It was 2007 when we sat at a senior banquet at my husband’s
alma mater in Chicago. Some young
hipster looking guy was the guest speaker and he was going on and on about how some people make a difference and other people are world changers. I had always wanted to be the latter. And his words only solidified our plans that
had been set in motion from the day Thomas and I met.
Rewind to 2006 when Thomas took on an internship in Africa. At the time, I thought for sure that our
little summer excursion would confirm that we were to move to Rwanda and become
missionaries. I had enough third world
experience to honestly see myself raising tanned, barefooted, wild haired
children overseas. And of course the
plan would entail adopting at least one African baby.
But that all changed once I set foot in the dry, desolate,
dark, war-ridden land. It was a horrific
experience, though only in a first world way; not in a way whereby my reality
was defined by looking for my next meal while staring down at a swollen belly,
as was the condition for so many children we encountered. But it was awful in the sense that I was
completely isolated with two very small children while finding out two weeks
into the trip I was pregnant with our third.
The only white girl (with dreadlocks, mind you) for miles, you can
imagine the oddity I must have been while pushing a double stroller on dirt
roads in order to reach the only American-like piece of architecture in the
city, a nice hotel with a pool. All this
while Thomas was off in distant villages “preachin’ the word o’ God,” although
to be honest I’m still not even sure what he did.
I could go into more detail about that trip, but I will
leave it at this: IT SUCKED. And you
know what sucks more than having two toddlers and being pregnant in a foreign land and
totally isolated from civilization? Having two toddlers and being pregnant in a foreign
land and totally isolated from civilization with NO MONEY. And no capability to get money because they
don’t do the whole ‘world bank’ thing in those parts…
But of course the trip ended and since what doesn’t kill you
really does make you stronger, we chalked it up to a really, really expensive (and
almost-marriage-ruining) way to KNOW that God was not calling us to change the
world in Africa.
So back to the drawing board we went. We now had three kids and we were living in a
one-bedroom apartment up four flights of stairs in a not-so-great Chicago
neighborhood. Thomas was about to
graduate and God soon led us to a small church-planting mission that recruited us
to go be world changers in Italy.
So we had the awesome task ahead of us of raising our own
salary in order that we could go do “God’s work” (yes, I’m being sarcastic). And for some CRAZY, unexplainable reason…we
actually did it. So for a lot of
grueling months, we awkwardly presented our schpeel while sheepishly asking
people to pay our salary. It was pretty
much as awful as is sounds…except for the fact that God always showed up in
some crazy way and made us able to do it, albeit once again sheepishly, time
and time again.
So it was September of 2009 when we alas arrived in Italy
with our then 2, 4, and 6 year-olds. The
first night, I had a panic attack in the basement of our teammate’s house, as
we were boarded there with a few blankets and some cushions of which we were to
make a bed for ALL FIVE OF US. Red flag
that maybe this whole team thing wasn’t going to go so well? Perhaps.
The next day, we did EVERYTHING WE COULD to make the
apartment we had signed the lease on a livable space, even though there was no
electricity. Our other teammates, two
single girls, had electricity; so we ran an extension cord from their balcony
to ours. As we lived next door to them, we
quickly bonded and became like family. I
still have memories engrained in my brain of our first trips via bus to Ikea,
where we purchased furniture and MATTRESSES.
And ported them. ON A BUS. WITH
THREE SMALL CHILDREN. I have nooooooo
idea how all of that went down. But
again, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
So fast-forward two and a half years. We were living in a different apartment; one
that overlooked a daily market, was surrounded by shops and cafes and parks…
and close to public transit. We loved
that place. We homeschooled our kids
that year and had good friends by that point.
And we had begun opening up our home for what we wanted to become a
church plant.
The thing for me about opening up my home to people is this:
My home is the one tangible, material possession I can truly give someone. It is a space that, if used in the right
spirit, can make people feel a part of my family. The ambience, the cleanliness, the food, the
coffee, and the wine… they are all a part of showing love to other humans who
have walked through the doors. You have
to understand. I do not like to clean. I
do not like to cook. But part of serving
others, of “ministry,” is laying down your life, your wants, your convenience,
for the sake others. And so, we did
that, week in and week out. Because we
were called by God to do it.
And then it imploded.
Bad things went down. People made some bad decisions. All of our egos
got in the way. And the whole “vision,”
comprised of language and cultural blood, sweat, and tears, went crashing down
like a 747. It was ugly and messy and it felt so, so incredibly unjust and
wrong. I wanted to grab the people who
we had introduced into the community and lay claims to them, stating, “Remember
how we served you? How we gave you
rights to the sacredness of our home…our family? How we selflessly laid our lives down?” Total pride. But totally how I felt.
Fast forward to 2012.
After the epic implosion of “Team Torino,” we licked our wounds and
moved back to the USA. You know the
really shitty part of coming off the mission field? No one really wants to hear
that all of the money they gave you ended in a massive failure. Sure, people who didn’t know Jesus were now
walking with Jesus. And if I’m honest
with myself, I truly believe that all of that money was worth those few people
knowing God on a relational level. But
church machines and entrepreneurs and church machine attendees want
results. They want big and flashy. And all we had were understated tears and the
classic missionary story of team failure.
Total world changers.
In December of 2012, God kept putting it on my heart to once
again open up our home, just as we had pretty much done for the past five
years. We would name it after a group we
attended in Chicago: “Jesus Over Dinner.”
I liked the simplicity that was implied in the name. There would be Jesus. And there would be food. The goal was community and soon our house was
full of people who seemed to long for the same thing. People began to get vulnerable. The inconvenience of opening up my home was
surpassed by the way people interacted once they were inside. I loved standing back and watching people
talk to one another, knowing that God had given us a space that could house the
growth and nourishment of community.
Fast forward to the summer where again, another community
imploded. It wasn’t as volatile as the
first one had been; but it got a little ugly.
And there are still some wounds I’m licking from that experience.
Mix that in with the fact that coming off of the mission
field is just super shitty in general (this article sums it up)…and you have
all the ingredients in order to write a title for a blog post such as
this.
There are a lot of “cool” people out there who are like,
“Yah, I’m gonna change the world bro. We
have this cool church plant…” and lalala.
But church planting isn’t for cool people. It’s for ridiculously humble people who can
truly take a beating. It’s for people
who eat and sleep and breathe Jesus’ words of servanthood. True church planting is for people who aren’t
afraid to give up their comforts.
True church planting straight up sucks.
Sometimes you realize that you are not a world changer.
I am not a world changer.
If you look at my Instagram, you will find that it says, “In
search of a quiet, simple life.” That’s
what I want. I strive to affect the
people in my circle of influence for the good, to advocate for those who do not
have a voice, and to love people unconditionally.
For me, that’s a big enough task for a lifetime.